Excuse my absence.
Over the last two weeks my life has literally spun out of control.
All decisions we made last year, and this year, have come back to bite us on the arse. We have lost our car, we have bailiffs looming and no fully maintainable income to speak off. We can live day to day quite happily, and then something will happen. The post will come or the phone will ring and it is inevitably bad news.
The only way I can think to perfectly describe it is using a “Walking Dead” analogy. We have very very little, but it is enough,many yet there is always someone there wanting some of it for themselves. We are Rick and Michome, the debt collectors are the Saviours. It somehow makes it seem better to think of it in those terms, like we are not alone or it is in some way a fiction rather than a reality.
The facts here are very simple though. I have no ability to pay what I don’t have. It has taken me a whole lot of stress, tears, nausea and downright death wishes to realise that I don’t have any control over this situation right now. We are working super hard to make things better, we are putting our all into everything we do. But right now, it is not enough.
And so right now, I have to relinquish control.
And for me, that is rediculously hard to do. If I don’t have control, I freak out. But that is the only option I have.
And so I have made a decision. I am going to take control over the things that I can make a difference to. It is not ignoring the situation, it is knowing that giving it my every waking thought is not healthy.
The first thing is my mornings.
I have never, ever been a morning person. And I want to change that. I know that there are a lot of aspects to becoming a morning person, the first and probably most important is actually going to bed at a decent time. This has been something that has escaped me for many years. Once the kids go to bed, which now that they are older is becoming increasingly later, I want a bit of time to myself. I want to watch the programmes that I can’t watch when they are up, I want to spend a bit of time with my husband (so that we can both blankly stare at the same screen, obvs) and just be I want to be able to veg out without hearing “muuuuuuuum” as soon as my butt hits the sofa.
So last night, for the first night in a very long time, I went to bed before 11. Not much before, but still before. And I set my alarm for 6.30am. 6am is my ultimate goal, but I figure for now I should start slow and build up! I googled sleep patterns and sleep cycles and got told very specifically by Mr Google that 10.45 should be my bedtime for a 6.30 wake up call.
So at 6.30 my alarm went off, and I felt surprisingly awake! Unfortunately I couldn’t move yet, my brain was much more awake than my body but I guess that comes with practice and longevity. So day 1 down and I feel like a winner! Having said that, I will wait until my usual down period to see if it has any effect on that. Come 2pm I am normally struggling to keep my eyes open.
I’ll keep you posted! 😋😋
And the second thing that I want to take control over, is my diet. I don’t eat badly but I do snack. Of the 3 stone I lost two years ago, I have put 1 back on. It’s not a lot, I know, but it does have the affect of making me feel a bit meh.
I can’t go back on the diet I was on, and I don’t need to, so I am just going to actively be more careful about what I eat. That’s the plan anyway. So far this morning I have made buttermilk and paprika chicken to go with pasta tonight, and banana and chocolate flapjack. (It has banana in it, that means it’s healthy, right?)
During the making of said flapjack, I may have accidentally licked the syrup spoon.
And the day started off so well with a fruit smoothie!
But that’s the thing. I love sweet things. The key here, I think, is to adopt the age old adage of “everything in moderation”. Instead of half the flapjack, just have a piece!
I gonna give it a go (wish me luck) and we’ll see how things pan out.
So rather than boring/depressing you all with my day to day shit life, I am going to keep you all (all 13 of you, love y’all!!) updated with how I get on. Whether it has any impact on my ever failing mental health(!), my waistline and my energy levels!!
Thanks, as always, for allowing me this time to rant/blab/vent.
Mrs X xoxo