Don’t get used to it!
I just had to jot down what happened this morning, as it is quite monumental for my simple little life.
So, this morning our client arrived 2 hours early for her 11am appointment, and brought another human as moral support.
Now, my fucked up little brain can just about get itself used to having one strange person in its near vacinity, but two??
And so, I had a decision to make. I am absolutely an indoor person, a home bird. I generally hate venturing out unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then I only tend to do what I need to and no more. No frivolous excursions for me, what happens if the beds unmake themselves or the washing becomes dirty again while I’m out?
But this morning, two options presented themselves to me, either I stay in and talk to a human who may want me to speak words other than “Do you want some toast” or “Does your nappy need changing?” (Seriously, asking grown ups that doesn’t go down well…!) or I go out.
So I went out.
I took the tiniest tiny to the park.
I left my phone at home. Half way there is realised this, and suddenly realised that I didn’t even know the time.
But then I realised something else, even more profound.
It didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter that I was out of the house without my phone, it didn’t matter that I didn’t know what time it was. It was all ok.
So we get to the park, it’s empty (thank god – no crappy small talk required!) and the sun is shining beautifully.
And I am pushing tiny on the swings when I suddenly think to myself, I can’t remember the last time I felt so free.
We get so bogged down in our own shit, wallowing in everything that its not so good that we forget what really is good.
As I watched my tiny grinning at the smallest of things, each of them bringing her endless delight I realised how lucky I actually am. I am a mummy, no matter how bad my ocd gets, or my depression hits or my anxiety flares up, or how many debt collectors try to contact me, I am still a mummy. To the most incredible tinies is all the world.
And they love me, and I am a fricking good mum. They are my world, they are what is most important.
My “Ah Hah” moment, 20 years too late but better than never.
Mrs X xoxo